Hippo Characteristics: Large • Helpful • Independent • Honest • Emotional • Unpredictable
Scientific Name: Hippopotamus amphibious
Collective Term: A huddle of hippos 

Hippos have Issues

"There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud" Carl Sandburg

Hippopotamus personalities are easy to identify. Of impressive physical bulk, they often attempt to disguise their size and ponderous movements. Wallowing in loose-fitting clothes or large tent dresses, their uncomfortable dimensions are often the result of a compulsive eating habit, caused by their massive bulk triggering an overwhelming hunger. Many hippos’ lives are centered around food and its preparation.

Most hippos struggle to accept themselves for who they are. Traditionally viewed as jolly fat people, the hippo's heart is a cauldron of powerfully conflicting feelings, and the average hippo loves to wallow in this emotional stew.  Hippos carry around a great deal of unrequited anger from hurtful experiences in their youth, and although they're generally peaceful they can be aggressive when provoked. It's not that a hippo gets angry more often than others, it's just that its emotion tends to be magnified to an outrageous degree. Perhaps this is why the wild variety of hippo kills more people than any other predator in Africa, including the malevolent crocodile.

Due to their outsize temper, other people tend to avoid them, further adding to their sense of alienation.

Hippos are Generous

Despite their occasionally destructive behavior, there is no bigger heart that beats in the animal kingdom. Hippos are loving, warm, creatures who are concerned with the emotional well-being of everyone they know.

Food acts as a salve for hippos' loneliness and alienation, and with their intimate knowledge of it they are excellent chefs and food critics. Extraordinarily fond of children, hippos often volunteer for baby-sitting duties and finding solace in the unjudgmental nature of youth. 

Hippos in the Workplace

For some reason the IRS collection division hires hippo personalities in large numbers - probably because of their aggressive and intimidating demeanor when agitated. Like the elephant personality, the hippo has a wonderfully rich voice, and the deep resonance produced by their bulk -- together with their tendency to hide from society -- makes them perfect for the role of a phone receptionist, operator, or even a phone sex actor.

Hippos in the Wild

Distantly related to the pig, the hippo is the third-largest land mammal. Its body is hairless except for sparse whiskers on its muzzle, and its skin exudes an unusual oily pink fluid known as “pink sweat”, which serves to lubricate its skin.

Hippo society is matriarchal and young males are forced to keep their distance from the main group of females, winning reentry only by fighting other males. A baby hippo must show strict obedience or risk the wrath of its mother, who lashes the offending youngster with her head and slashing tusks.

Hippos feed mainly at night and their insatiable appetites can severely damage the environment. They spend most of their time in rivers and small inlets where their weight is supported and hidden by the water.

Careers & Hobbies

Collection agent • Chef  • Food critic • Receptionist
Baking • Eating • Knitting • Soap operas

Love & Friendship

It's difficult to eroticize a hippo. Traditional seductions like lingerie and massage oils have little impact on its slow-to-ignite libido, so the proper way to a hippo's heart, is through grand gestures -- naked midnight feasts or lavish bubble baths in champagne filled tubs.

One blessing about being with a hippopotamus is that you'll never have to worry about its fidelity. Oh sure, it might storm out of the house in one of its self-indulgent rages, but it invariably returns for a good dose of makeup sex when its temper has cooled.

Everything about the hippo is big and slow, but once it has gained momentum, watch out! Its performance in the boudoir is quite awe-inspiring and the hippo's mate must be able to handle some fierce lovin'.   Sharing the hippo's passion for food and opulence, the ponderous walrus makes for an ideal mate: Think Tom and Roseanne. 

Other water mammals prove to be compatible partners too, and hippos can achieve mutually beneficial relationships with beavers, otters and sea lions.

Famous Hippo Personalities

Roseanne Barr

It's not just a weight thing. It's an attitude thing. And comedienne Roseanne Barr has both. Real big ones.

Shelley Winters

Shelley Winters started her acting career as a beautiful blonde in the same league as Marilyn Monroe. She ended it after packing on a few pounds, but never lost the effervescence and sense of humor that made her a quintessential hippo personality.

Julia Child

Hippo personalities are larger than life. And no TV personality was larger than Julia Child. Her gusto, humor and self-effacing demeanor made her a perennial star on cooking shows all over the world.

John Goodman

Hippo personalities are larger than life. And no TV and movie personality is larger than John Goodman. His gusto, humor and self-effacing demeanor has cemented him as a perennial star.