Warthog Characteristics: Industrious • Bright • Brave • Blunt • Cranky
Scientific Name: Phacochoerus aethiopicus
Collective Term: A revolt of warthogs

Attitude Personified

"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig." ~Robert Heinlein
 Warthogs are those seemingly self-assured individuals who are never at a loss for words. Their bellicose behavior dominates all aspects of their successful lives (a la Donald Trump.) Neither polished nor good-looking, warthogs have stumbled upon a unique combination of aggression and charisma and have adopted it as their survival strategy. Although these ultra-intelligent animals are self-centered to the core, they do have a few redeeming qualities that make them worthy of business partnerships and interesting relationships.

The Warthog's Personality's Daily Life

Little pride is taken in their physical appearance and they are homely in both personality and countenance. Preferring intimidation and bluster in achieving their goals, they have little inclination to observe social niceties. Their distaste for etiquette also extends to their backbiting and manipulation, but they can be quite charming when the situation calls for it.

With their uncanny ability to discern the motives of others, warthogs are masters at spotting weaknesses in their opponents. But as is typical of most herbivores, their swaggering behavior stems from deep insecurities. Hostility is a wonderful defensive tool, made even more potent when combined with a quick tongue and sharp mind.

Reflected in their unkempt personal living quarters, their personal life is disorganized and resembles a pigsty. Warthogs thrive on clutter and chaos.

The Warthog Personality's Career

A warthog's active mind is always on the lookout for opportunities, and they are canny business people who respect strength and loyalty in others, and their excellent negotiating skills stand them in good stead in their business dealings. They persevere until their goals are met, even if it means fighting dirty or breaking the law to do so.

It's common for warthogs to be self-employed. With their self-discipline and strength of character, they are formidable business adversaries. They reward loyalty but have a vindictive streak for those who cross swords with them. Their tempers often overcome their good judgment.

Warthogs make excellent personal injury lawyers, salespeople, mercenaries or poker players. Even though warthog personalities are almost universally disliked they are able to succeed by determination alone.

Warthogs in the Wild

The warthog is an odd quadruped. It has a flat -- almost concave -- head ornamented with four large warts, two razor-sharp curling tusks, and a thick, sinewy neck.

Warthogs are principally grazers but have been known to take carcasses abandoned by other carnivores or an animal that has died from natural causes. Its neck is too short for easy feeding on the sparse grass of the African plains, and it is often seen on its knees, gazing and rooting along the dusty veldt.

Warthogs are virtually fearless and have been observed turning the tails on pursuing leopards or elephants. Sows with young are particularly bold and do not hesitate to make physical contact with marauding predators.

Careers & Hobbies

Warthog • Personal injury law • Mercenary • Rug merchant • TV commentator
Poker • Hockey • Confrontations • Gardening • Football Gambling

Love & Friendship

The warthog uses its intense personality to barrel into a lover's life. By saying the right things long enough to get its foot in the door, it will quickly take control of the relationship.

As a lover, the warthog is usually selfish but will please its partner if it expects to receive something in return. Ideal partners are individuals that actually enjoy being dominated and the timid snake, cottontail and shrew personalities make for satisfyingly submissive sexual liaisons.

There's an odd quirk to the warthog personality. It will occasionally fall head over heels for its partner and act like a lovesick puppy. However, since the warthog hates the feeling of being out of control, it soon pulls itself together and resumes its boarish behavior.

The warthog's relentless manipulation tends to scare off potential partners. If it wants a good run for its money and is willing to take a chance, interesting things will happen when it gets together with a baboon or a bison. These animals stabilize the warthog and enduring relationships are not uncommon.

Famous Warthog Personalities

Donald Trump

Self-assured, verbose, and knows how to get what he wants.  

Newt Gingrich

He is not one to be surrounded by weakness or forced to follow the norm.  

Jimmy the Greek

TV personalities and commentators are roles for warthogs, whose brains work fast, but mouths work even quicker.